Preliminary English Machine Translation via
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Appendix 1b

I.A.Djakov. Amaterasu

" All of us with you! " - someone from back numbers has shouted. - "
you not one! " - has supported his another. Was heard someone's
vshlipyvanie. " Vish, that have invented! " " Yes that it, My God?! "
? - " Up to what us will finish! " - " All over again to goddess
Matraske to bow will force.. And there and in kumirnju their pagan
pogonjat! " ? - worried present. " To not be to this! " - someone has
shouted threateningly. " Let will try! " - " Kaby what it is thin,
soaring, was not ? " - someone has told with fear. " Anything,
soaring, - all of us will not plant " - his thickset guy in a
fragmentary sheepskin coat has calmed. " And me - kas let sadjat! -
one of kazachek has loudly shouted. - I the first is ready to suffer
for belief! " 
 
I have calmed assembly, having told, that a question on goddess
Amaterasu, probably, - misunderstanding, a mistake of the translator
and authority will understand us and will meet us, and we shall ask
them therefore about replacement in Russian translation of words: - "
? we, loyal, should esteem reverentially goddess Amaterasu Oomikami ",
others, not contradicting to our belief. After that old believe
archpriest has acted about. John Shadrin. It has thanked me and on
behalf of going promised me all-round encouragement. Other orators
acted also, starting from the principal. All of them spoke about
inadmissibility to change to the Native land and Russian belief
orthodox in view of which our Native land developed. 
 
On my offer " who for that I petitioned before the Japanese
authorities for replacement in Russian translation of words: " ? we,
loyal, should esteem goddess Amaterasu Oomikami " others, not
contradicting to our belief, lift hands! " - all present, as one, with
shouts: " Thanks! " " We Ask!!.. " - have lifted the hands which were
much - both. A.I.Aleksandrov, the principal, has suggested to make the
report which there and then has been written and signed by him
present. All gradually began to miss. Many approached to me, shook
hands and thanked. 
 
Next day, on January, 9, I have gone to Pokrovka. In the tenth morning
general meeting has taken place in school. About my performance in Top
- Kuljah already knew all population of Pokrovka, and on assembly all
came his inhabitants. 
 
Here with the big enthusiasm my message on my decision to act against
Japanese, in protection of our belief, Russian advantage and honour
was accepted. The report has been made, unanimously accepted and
signed. 
 
In the evening I have been invited by one influential cossack to a
supper. Visitors was much and all of them expressed a regret, that
last time see me as everyone were sure, and I most, that will arrest
me and ? it would not be desirable to think of the further, but I
already was ready to all. 
 
With the message about Amaterasu to me it was possible to act in one
settlement - Ust-Urga. From here I wanted was to go to Top - Urga, but
me have caused in Dragotsenku. 
 
- Than you were engaged during your trip on settlements Trehrechja? -
  has asked to me a question the chief of military mission. Instead of
  the answer I have submitted to it four reports with numerous
  signatures. The chief fluently has seen them and has strictly asked: 
 
- who has allowed you? 
 
- bad I have not made anything, - I have answered easy. 
 
- Is not present, you have committed a crime against the state ? you
  have lifted the population. 
 
- Opposite, I have calmed it. But the population asks, begs you to not
  concern his rank - Russian and belief, - I continued. - Mister the
  chief, you as the Samurai as the cultural person, will understand us
  and will petition from its part ? 
 
- About it cannot be and speeches, - it has interrupted me. 
 
- we do not protest, we ask, - I continued easy. - And we have the
  right to it, considering a freedom of worship in Manchzhudigo,
  freedom of our Russian national belief about which you spoke
  repeatedly in the instructive speeches. 
 
- Yes, I spoke ? - the chief was confused, - but I spoke nothing about
  freedom to not submit to requirements of authorities. Authorities
  demand implicit performance of all items " Manual loyal " ? 
 
- Authorities granted to us a freedom of worship, but punish us for
  display of this freedom in practice? - I have involuntarily smiled. 
 
- I forbid to you so to speak! - the chief has told strictly, having
  knocked a fist on a table. - I Forbid to you to concern a question
  about Amaterasu Oomikami ? 
 
In reply to this last prohibition of the chief I, at the presence of
the employee of mission Boris Izmaylov, have read through the whole
lecture on historical value of orthodox belief in lives of our
fatherland, about its role in association of broad masses for
protection of the Native land against enemies, in distribution of
education, in strengthening national will to a victory over interests
not only the country, but also small peoples offended by the strong
states, and also about strength of mind of people of belief, starting
from an epoch of the first christianity when martyrs and martyresses
went on a fire with joyful enthusiasm as on a joyful feast. And, at
last, about depth of belief both the Russian person in general and his
leaders on behalf of Vladimir Monomaha, Alexander Nevskogo, Dmitry
Donskogo, Sergija Radonezhskogo, Suvorov and many others. For them the
belief was light of the maximum validity and the maximum self-denying
love to the Native land, a basis of their noblest aspirations, the
deepest experiences, hope and full confidence of a victory. In beams
of this belief they created the great affairs. 
 
- you want to pull out his belief from soul of the Russian person and,
  having returned epoch Nerona, want to depersonalize it, to kill
  morally, to devastate his soul, but to make it to you it will not be
  possible, mister the chief. As fire inflames more and more from a
  strong wind during a storm, and the true belief of the person in
  sufferings, persecutions and grief lights up his soul, inflaming in
  a bright flame in which your goddess Amaterasu will burn down even
  more. 
 
- it is Enough! - the chief, and here only, as if having regained
  consciousness has stopped me, I have understood, that all is
  over. Too deeply I touched that Japanese count a basis of the state
  life - Amaterasu Oomikami in the fervour, and it have signed to
  myself the death sentence. 
 
The chief for about a minute looked at me silently, and then has
silently told: 
 
-? you are understood ? by me did not know, that so the belief of the
 Russian person is deep. And tell to me, the inspector, you know, what
 you expects for such words? 
 
- Yes, I know. 
 
- Court and ? execution. 
 
Involuntarily painful shiver has run on my body and the inexpressible
pain compressed mine as if the grown cold heart. 
 
- I know, - I have repeated again. 
 
- Know? 
 
- Yes. 
 
- I Thank you, - the chief has told silently. 
 
Then it has risen, has stretched to me a hand and, shrugging her,
continued: 
 
- I shall make all to facilitate yours uchast. You it is a pity to
  me. 
 
After a dinner I had the same conversation with the chief
trehrechenskogo staff Kiovakaj, and in the evening - with the
counselor of the governor. The same result - me have understood and
promised to help and facilitate my uchast. 
 
In provincial management I went to the cabinet still, but all knew,
that the thunder-storm approached. Knowing it, I have beforehand sent
the things in Hajlar, but to live continued in the empty apartment. 
 
Winter frosty night. In my empty apartment, silently and darkly and
only a crash of birch fire wood in brightly flaring oven, yes
restlessly blinking and dancing red patches of light of light and a
shadow give to conditions something extremely terrible, speaking about
something unknown ruthless, about the future change full of cold
horror before which the brain freezes and poor heart is painfully
beaten. 
 
Suddenly someone has silently knocked on a window, I have shuddered: "
Came ? " - has involuntarily flown in a head. Has left in seni and has
asked: 
 
- who? 
 
- Open, please ? be not afraid ? your friend. 
 
I have opened a door and at light of bright stars in cold, it seemed
the shining sky and at dim blinking a snow have seen a low figure of
the unfamiliar Japanese. I have invited it enter. 
 
- Hello! - it has told in a room, having removed the fur cap and
  stretching me a hand. 
 
- Hello, sit down. 
 
- you the inspector of schools? 
 
- Yes, and what is necessary for you? 
 
- Ss ? I want to talk to you. 
 
- you the gendarme? - I have involuntarily smiled. 
 
- Is not present. I the student of the Tokyo university, - have
  answered the stranger, - have arrived in Trehreche to get acquainted
  with a life Russian and to be improved in knowledge of informal
  conversation. 
 
- Forgive, than I can be to you useful? I badly feel myself ?
  nezdorovitsja. 
 
- to me were spoken about you by my friend. You acted with the protest
  against the Japanese authorities, and motives of this protest
  extremely interest me. Be not afraid of me. Believe, I want to help
  you. 
 
- I Thank you, but I in any help do not need, - I have told, and for
  some reason myself it became a pity to me. 
 
- you do not trust me, - it has told silently, - and it is quite
  natural, - I the Japanese. But how to you to prove, what I do not
  want to cause you the slightest evil? 
 
- About is not present, I am not afraid of you and is ready to answer
  all your questions. Sit down. 
 
The Japanese sat and, having looked at me a direct, fair sight, has
told: 
 
- I Thank, I shall try to not tire you. You forgive ? have decided to
  protest against the Japanese authorities, and I badly understand
  motives of your performance. Speak, that one of them is the
  unwillingness to name loyal emperor as this rank is connected to
  reverence of goddess Amaterasu. It is the truth? 
 
- Yes, the truth. 
 
- Ss ? It is very dangerous. 
 
- I know. 
 
- Know? Then why you have decided it to make? 
 
- I spoke about it to the chief of military mission and the counselor
  of the governor. We, Russian, behind small exception, cannot name
  ourselves loyal emperor on that simple basis, that actually we are
  not them and we are not going to refuse the Native land: we shall
  get the lost rank of the citizen of our country. As to reverence of
  your goddess Amaterasu this reverence is connected to a recognition
  of your state policy obligatory for us. Your purpose - to make of us
  Japanese - carry out with cruelty of the barbarian who is not
  knowing mercy. Forgive me for sharpness. You want to create the new
  world, the new union of peoples under one roof with
  liderstvujushchej the nation jamato in view of goddess Amaterasu
  Oomikami that contradicts our Russian expectations - to be under one
  roof with native people in view of belief of our fathers and
  grandfathers. I attach great significance to belief of my ancestors
  at which light they created the great affairs in interests not only
  the own country and people, but also all world, all peoples. Besides
  we, Russian emigrants, by virtue of historical circumstances torn
  off from the Native land, surrounded with alien peoples, in alien
  conditions for us, have no means to keep the russkost, except for
  our religion, belief of our fathers which, using her, created great
  affairs of preservation, association of our country. Only the
  church, uniting us in one Russian family abroad, has helped us to
  keep love to the Fatherland. Not a smaller role can play in this
  respect and Russian school, but you want to poison her is and have
  poisoned already, antiRussian ideals alien for us. You want to
  destroy our belief and it to tear last strings connecting us with
  the Native land against what I protest. I protest as the Russian
  orthodox Christian and how the Russian teacher who cannot change to
  the Fatherland ? you have understood me? 
 
- Yes ? etto ? about ? it is very interesting. I thank you. Now I
  understand, why you have followed such dangerous way. Really,
  reverence of goddess Amaterasu is a basis of our state policy in
  Manchzhudigo, but ? e.. tto ? this policy has the opponents in our
  country. It surprises you? 
 
- To admit yes. I did not expect, that the Japanese ? If only it does
  not pursue ? 
 
- I have understood you, - the Japanese was confused. - you do not
  trust me ? But ? how to prove? Believe, that in Japan it is a lot of
  people which understand all banefulness of a policy of a military
  party of our unfortunate country. Trust me whether or not is your
  business, but I want to be to you useful. 
 
- I Thank you, - I have told. 
 
Till late night I talked to the Japanese and we have left
friends. Next day I have left the apartment and have moved to friends
Ostroumovym. People devoted to me visited me. Came to me with gifts
and pupils. From settlements there came directors of schools and
teachers. All of them tried to calm, console me. But some of "friends"
cowardliest and devoted to Japanese tried to not meet me. 
 
All these days authorities gathered for meetings. The whole commission
has visited settlements where I recently acted with reports about
Amaterasu Oomikami on my traces. 
 
At last, on January, 23 the counselor of the governor causes me in the
cabinet and speaks: 
 
- it is very a pity to leave you: you the fair, direct person, but ?
  you should submit the application for dismissal. 
 
I have thanked it here again in a cabinet have executed this
requirement. 
 
After that me have caused in police administration and have removed
interrogation - who there were I the grandfather, the grandmother,
etc. The Passport have selected. The visa promised to give next day,
but promises have not executed. On January, 25, after a dinner, I have
been again caused in Police administration. Here to me have declared,
that me will take away by the state machine in Hajlar (170 versts from
Dragotsenki). I have understood all. Heart was compressed by an
intolerable pain. 
 
In N.A.Ostroumova's house where at this time stayed harbinsky
ieromonah about. Sofrony, I have confessed and prichastilsja. Father
Sofrony on simplicity sincere has congratulated me on great change in
my life, i.e.  that I receive to accept martyr death and that "there",
in the next world, it will be better, and has served parting moleben. 
 
Next day, on January, 26, I have woken up early, with any strange,
joyful-quivering feeling which gradually passed in fear for
consciousness of inevitably approaching severe change. It would be
desirable to nestle, as it happened in the childhood, to a native
breast of mother, the friend ? But there is nobody, and soon I shall
absolutely, absolutely alone ? will not be these walls, friends ?
Ahead - a lattice, full loneliness, isolation from everything,
tortures, sufferings, the death ? Already dawns. Fire wood in a plate
crack, the teapot boils, somewhere the cock, and all this, probably
close started singing, I hear last time. Began to put on and ? too,
probably, last time. Began to put on katanki barefoot. Nikolay
Antonovich has approached to me with warm woolen socks. What it
kind. " Dress on warm nosochki ? far to go, it is cold today ? the
Frost ", - it has told, stretching me socks. " Whether and unless all
is equal: I shall freeze or shall not freeze ? I do not want, I do not
want!.. - I worried, but to put on socks all the same me have
persuaded, Darya Ivanovna has submitted a breakfast, but no appetite
existed. A lip sohli from thirst, but could not drink. 
 
- Tomorrow, at this time I shall be under the lock, behind a lattice,
  I tell, trying to be quiet. 
 
- And you pray, that Supreme has allowed you force to suffer corporal
  sufferings, - consoled me about. Sofrony. - And when you will be
  pytat - think of the first Christians who went on tortures with
  pleasure. You are happy, that receive to accept the martyr end. Be
  not afraid and before the death be pleased and pray for the
  executioners. It will give to you of even more forces and
  courage. Do not lose courage, be the Christian. 
 
O.Sofrony has served once again parting moleben and all on old Russian
custom for a minute have sat down, and then, accompanied with Nikolay
Antonovichem, I have gone to police administration. On a way has gone
to hospital to say goodbye to some familiar which laid there in the
general chamber. " Farewell, - I have told him, - pray for me ? " But
all patients were silent, suppressed by fear. Lips of the some people
moved - something spoke, or prayed? One old woman who laid here in
man's chamber, having raised above a pillow a gray-haired head, eyes
christened me and too was silent. All were afraid to speak loudly. "
Even to regret me openly it is impossible! " - has flashed in a head,
and I have hurried to leave on street where Nikolay Antonovich with
white kulechkom in a hand expected me. 
 
It would be desirable to say goodbye to Russian employees of
provincial management. Have come there, but at this time all staff of
management has been built in a corridor. Morning ceremony began. After
worship national flags and aside residences (on the east and on a
southeast) emperors Nippon and Manchzhudigo began to read " Manual
loyal ". First read on - japonski, then on - kitajski and, at last, in
Russian. " ? we, loyal, should esteem reverentially goddess Amaterasu
Oomikami ? " - loudly, separately and solemnly, having extended with
vysokopodnjatoj golovoju, former assistant M.A.Kuzmin, now the
inspector of schools Trehrechja read mine. 
 
- Hear? - it is significant, but Nikolay Antonovich has quietly told
  to me. " Has come to say goodbye, and ? what irony! " - I have
  thought, and any fear and fear of arrest, and opposite - more
  likely, at once was gone more likely! - any voice in hiding places
  of soul shouted; I have quickly left provincial management and
  almost run have gone to police. 
 
Here I have met the counselor of the governor. It has submitted to me
a hand and with feeling has told: 
 
- From all dushja I wish you success in further your work. It is very
  a pity, that you leave us. 
 
- Where you send me? - I have easy asked the counselor. 
 
- To Harbin, certainly, - it has answered me cheerfully. - you do not
  worry, you will bring in Hajlar, will plant in the car, and you will
  go to Harbin. Do not worry. 
 
- And the visa where, the passport? - I have asked, looking it fool in
  the face. 
 
- do not worry, all receive, - it has answered kindly and has departed
  me. Two gendarmes came to me in the civilian and have invited me to
  follow them. " Here it, began ? " - I have thought. 
 
About the machine I have said goodbye to Nikolay Antonovichem and
villages between Japanese accompanying me. The machine was
touched. Last, farewell sight I okinul familiar pictures. Here my
former kvartirka, separate osobnjachok among the trees covered with
hoarfrost. From a pipe there is a smoke: the new inspector has already
borrowed my small house ?. 
 
The machine rushes on the main street Dragotsenki. There are cossacks,
kazachki. All with fear quickly depart from road and look back
back. Here there is a group of schoolboys all suddenly have for some
reason run. Obviously, they were afraid, as though and them have not
planted in this terrible machine. In the distance, about school, group
of adults. They silently look in my party and any sign a hand -
"good-bye". Everything, probably, with fear think - "farewell". 
 
Winter, frosty day. We rush on road among deserted bezlesnoj plains. I
have strongly frozen in the wadded coat. Legs have stiffened also. The
machine rushes all more likely. Grey-yellow unusually thin wolf in the
distance runs. " The lucky person!.. - I have thought. - On freedom ?
Runs where the snow dust lifted mashinoju wants ? Here to those far
snow mountains ? " And even, it seems more happily me: she freely
rushes in air and again lozhitsja on a silvery surface of a
snow. About, blessed freedom! 
 
- Tell, please, - I have addressed to gendarmes accompanying me, -
  where you carry me. 
 
- To Harbin.. First in Hajlar, and therefrom tonight by train will go
  to Harbin, - one of them has answered. 
 
- Why you speak me a lie? - I have asked it easy. 
 
- it is not necessary so to speak! - it has told strictly. Is ? about,
  badly. 
 
After that conversation I was silent all road, up to itself Hajlara
where we have arrived to seven one o'clock in the evening. It was
already dark. Here and there in streets dimly burn lanterns. Behind
the covered windows the cosiness and rest is felt. From one pipe red
sparks take off for frosty air - the furnace ? someone happy burns,
free pleasures in a life sit at this flaring oven ? How many!.. 
 
The machine has stopped at the main building of department of
police. Tears all over again one gendarme, then I with a portfolio and
kulkom with rich rolls, which napekla for me kind Darya
Ivanovna. After me of tears from the machine and the second
gendarme. I accompanied with them have come in a court yard of
department. Darkly. Suddenly I have stumbled at something and have
fallen. Kulek with rolls has taken off at me from hands, and their
part was scattered on a snow. I became was to collect them. " It is
impossible, leave ? go, more likely ? " - one of gendarmes has
shouted. " And ? all the same ", - I have thought and have followed
them. The scattered rolls and have remained to lay on a snow. Has
turned back back - any shadow has come nearer to them - a dog. The
inexpressible pain compressed my heart: last strings connected me with
a free world ? Poor Darya Ivanovna have torn, vainly tried ? 
 
- eight hours ? - I have told to two my satellites and one more new
  Japanese in a room where I sat with them at the made red-hot
  pig-iron oven in which brightly burned and birch fire wood
  cracked. - the Train is sent to Harbin at eight o'clock, - I
  continued: - for whom we wait? 
 
- anything ? wait ? for the Train was late ? - one of Japanese has
  answered me any mysterious tone. " That for secret!.. What does all
  this mean?.. " - I thought with any inexpressibly strange pain in
  soul. And so we sat silently even minutes fifteen. 
 
Phone has suddenly cracked. One of Japanese has taken a
tube. Someone's hoarse voice there was heard. The Japanese has
answered and, having addressed to me, has politely told: 
 
- the Train has come ? we Have gone ? have left to a court yard. There
  is without any fires a lorry. Have risen on him. I have risen the
  person forward at the box. Gendarmes accompanying me - on the
  parties. Zafyrkal and zapyhtel the motor, and the machine it was
  touched. Have gone, but where? With terrible speed we have rushed
  off in open steppe, in the opposite party from station. " Now the
  end ? So it is fast?.. " Fly in a head and the inexpressible
  melancholy a pressing pain has compressed, appear, the grown cold
  heart. I have looked upward, at stars. " The secret ? " With
  terrible force frosty wind will soon, soon open beat to face, but a
  special cold not I felt. Looked at fine Orion ? the Lorry all rushes
  more likely, all is farther and farther ? 
 
Minutes in twenty nights in a twilight, have started gleaming dim
fires. All is closer. Soon in open steppe not clear outlines of low
small houses have seemed. At an input of one of them the red spark
shines. The lorry there has stopped. All of us slezli also have come
all over again in slaboosveshchennyj a cold corridor, then in big,
with a low ceiling a room. Around of the made red-hot iron oven the
armed Japanese, Chinese and Mongols crowded. Any Russian. All were
silent. One of them has moved up to me a stool and has asked to sit
down. But here I have felt, that all my person has turned to any
continuous, insensible elastic mask. It have noticed and the armed
gendarmes. But all of them still were silent. I have asked to bring to
me as much as possible snow, and with the big work it was possible to
recover my frozen person. " Remove a coat! " - One of Japanese has
addressed to me. I have obeyed. It was necessary to remove and a
jacket ? Have searched, that refers to, up to a thread. Then have
removed a tie, a thong, have taken away a cachenez and platochek. Have
seen contents of a portfolio - anything suspicious. 
 
After all it three gendarmes came to me with revolvers on call and
have deduced in a cold corridor. Have led further. Have stopped and ?
heart was compressed by a pain and melancholy: from the left party in
a wall, at the floor, in view of a small bulb I have seen a dark
aperture with a lattice. 
 
- Climb!.. - somehow it is suddenly unexpected, already with open rage
  one of my executioners has shouted. In this word - "climb" there was
  all - and wild, long concealable hatred to me, defenceless both
  mockery, and threat, that this dark, terrible crack will be my
  tomb. 
 
Everything, that I counted the best in myself - patience, amnesty, the
consciousness of correctness of my decision to support the trambled
Russian ideals, - all this effort of will I tried to concentrate love
to Fatherland, native people and to the God in one big feeling of the
truth, have crossed and on chetverenkah have got into this terrible
hole. The lattice was closed, the lock has clicked and, the stench, a
cold penetrating all body and a gloom have captured me. Began to
fumble around of itself - any stones, bricks, frozen crust straw,
poluzamerzshaja a sticky dirty. 
 
Suddenly I have felt in all a body any weakness, a nausea,
dizziness. Whence from afar has reached zvon, noise, and I have lost
consciousness. 
 
What is the time I was in a unconscious condition, I do not know, when
have regained consciousness, have felt, that last strings connecting
me with a life, freedom, and only far have broken, somewhere at heart
the hope spoke, that the miracle will be made, and I again shall see
the sun, the sky, blue in the afternoon and usejannoe stars at night,
people and all free world which seem lost, but an alive, real fairy
tale. 
 
I laid in an inconvenient pose on a cold, naked floor. Fragments of
bricks stuck sideways, causing a sharp pain. In ears rustled and
ringed, the hand shivered, and lips sohli from intolerable thirst - to
drink, drink ? About, as it would be desirable me then to drink. Has
recollected, that only today in the morning I had the right to take in
hands a glass with hot we expect, to leave on street, to breathe pure,
fresh air, to look at the sky, stars, at the will enter any house, to
speak, read, write, laugh ? Now everything, I have lost all it. All
this - not for me, and for free happy people. I am separated from them
by a thick wooden lattice and all deprived to own will I am in
authority of wild, ruthless people. My world - the dark, cold,
stinking hole separated from all world by thick walls; perhaps, she
will be also my tomb. But also from here will throw out my dead body
in open steppe on eating up to wolves. For what? For what so
predatelski, have severely acted with me? Only for what I have dared
to tell openly the truth? But in fact they shouted and shout for the
whole world about "truth". About if knew it those who accepts,
protects and justifies them, these artful, cowardly executioners! They
even to me, the weak, defenceless person were afraid to tell the
truth. " The train has come ? have gone " ? - I have recollected words
of one of gendarmes accompanied me and a wish of happy road of the
counselor of the governor sending me in prison. In these words all -
and fine lie unworthy the official, both cowardice, and congenital
hypocrisy, and insidiousness ? About as they are disgusting, and
suddenly became a shame to me, that I once served with them, protected
them, trusted in their nobleness, kulturnost, wished them goods. The
anger, loathing, contempt and hatred have filled my soul, and I have
decided to die better, than to obey, show the weakness and to ask for
mercy. Let will be pytat, to cut my body on a part, but mercy I shall
not ask. In me the whole volcano - not rage bubbled, no, this feeling
seemed too insufficient, fine - anger, burning, bright as a flame, has
penetrated all me, and at the same time any strange, deeper, but the
quiet-joyful feeling in secret hiding places of soul spoke all over
again not clear about something the friend ? This feeling as a weak
spark lampadki, gradually inflamed and filled me. Heart was
strenuously hammered, and suddenly to me it became easy and joyful. A
mind I have seen, what have risen on lit up by beams brighter, than
the sun, road, and there, it is far ahead sijaet a radiant flame of
the Truth, Freedom ? Unless not destiny happy - to suffer and die for
the Native land, happiness of native people? 
 
I have risen, have lifted upwards a hand and have felt a cold ceiling
above a head. Has strained sight. On the one hand, at the left, at the
floor in a wall the low aperture with a lattice, is "door". Above it
small oblong okoshechko. Outside, from a corridor the light reflected
from any lamp makes the way through these apertures. On the right in
darkness, obviously, at the ceiling the narrow crack flickers, - it is
obvious, "window" with a lattice. Began to imagine the new dwelling
mentally. Has made a step back: a damp, slippery, cold stone wall. Has
felt her up to the floor. Under legs straw. It was lowered on this
small kuchku straw. A presentiment something more terrible, emptiness
and feebleness with new force have captured me. All over the world on
my share there were only these fragments of bricks, dirty straw in
reflected light of a far, mysterious, unknown lantern for me. 
 
Silently, and only noise and zvon in ears and unpleasant rustling, -
obviously rats or mice in straw, break this dead terrible
silence. Began to listen. Whence from afar, obviously, from a guard
house incoherent mutter is distributed someone's hrap. Somewhere has
squeaked a door. Steps. All is closer and closer. Someone has stopped
at mine okoshechka above a door. 
 
- Hey, luska ? Tea I want, I do not want? - someone's guttural voice
  was heard. 
 
I have raised a head, someone's hand has put on a window sill the
Chinese cup with hot we expect. 
 
With new force the feeling of indignation, the bitter insult, the
offended vanity, anger, and I has woken up in me, trying to hide in
itself this complex bushevavshee in me feeling, dried lips from thirst
has said: 
 
- Is not present ? I do not want ? Clean ? - and the same hand has
  cleaned a seductive cup from a window sill, and unknown, the person
  probably benevolently adjusted to me has left. 
 
I choked with anger: as they dare to offer me the tea. I do not want ?
I do not want ? Better death. I have accepted more convenient pose
and, tired physically and morally, have fallen asleep sound sleep. 
 
In dream saw a wide shining surface of the river. I am floating by a
boat in the blue distance lit up by bright beams. The huge white
steamship towards flies. Passengers wave to me scarfs - and.. Ah.. And
? at ? - the wind howls, breaking trees, and people, falling, run. -
And ? ah ? at ? - air howls, apparently. - " And ? ah ? at ? " 
 
Has woken up from a pain in a neck and in legs. My kennel is poorly
covered by the morning light penetrating through tightened ice
okoshechko. Began to consider a dirty-grey low ceiling, dirty
zagazhennye walls, an aperture with a lattice, replacing a
door. Zagazhennyj a floor here and there covered with dirty straw, a
beaten brick. Any internal through penetrating painful cold in all a
body. The cold outside will penetrate into my chamber through an
aperture with a lattice. Voices whence reach, steps ? are Closer ?
closer ? someone passes by my chamber. Opens, obviously, the next
door, and through short time I guess, that near to my single a
lavatory. Then I keep abreast intimate have put all passing by
inhabitants of this kitajsko-Mongolian prison where I was the unique
prisoner in the unique chamber - a hole. 
 
I have felt any inexpressible sincere emptiness and indifference. In
an hour or more someone approaches to mine okoshechku - to an eye
above "door" and speaks: 
 
- Luska, a large sum-large sum nada ? tea drink ? 
 
- Is not present, I do not want! - I have involuntarily answered,
  feeling neverojatnejshuju thirst and with new force have felt
  loathing at everything, that me surrounded. 
 
Yesterday since morning at Ostroumovyh felt thirst. Not saws all the
yesterday long and night. All organism, appear, burned, and words: "
tea drink ? " only strengthened sufferings, but in me with the greater
force the feeling of anger has woken up and I have repeated: - Clean ?
I do not want!.. 
 
I have decided to declare not only hunger-strike, but to refuse and
water until will answer a question - for what so severely with me have
acted. 
 
In the afternoon still someone in the police form tried to give to
drink me is expected, to feed white pampushkami and even with cooked
rice, but I, suppressing in itself of suffering, has refused, having
declared: 
 
- Tell to your heads, that I shall die more likely, than I shall take
  part from you tea and a meal while to me will not answer why me have
  deceived and have acted with me, as with the robber, the murderer. 
 
After my application all this day anybody to me did not come. 
 
There has come the second night which I have lead in indescribable
physical and moral sufferings, but my decision has become firmer and
certain. It seemed, someone inside, in hiding places of soul has
challenged me to competition, and I have accepted this call. 
 
Have silently knocked on mine okoshechko in the morning. I have hardly
raised a head. Noise and zvon in ears, a cold painful shiver in all a
body, rez in eyes, the dry swollen language and the cracked dry lips ? 
 
- Luska, offices go ? - someone has told and the opened deputy Has
  clicked 
 
I have crept out of the kennel. In a corridor has risen on shivering
legs and, leaning about walls, together with the gendarme has gone to
office, adjacent with a room, whence me have led in a casemate. 
 
A small room. The Japanese sits at a desk in a civilian dress. Three
sit at other table and something write. Obviously, disguised
gendarmes. 
 
Me have asked to sit down. 
 
- you why refuse to eat? - has politely - quietly asked me sitting for
  the first table. 
 
- I have got used to eat only behind a table, instead of on cold
  zagazhennom to a floor, - I have answered. 
 
- I understand you ? But you should while to reconcile. 
 
- I not smirjus until you will not tell - for what so severely,
  predatelski with me have acted. 
 
- I advise you so to not speak, - the Japanese has softly told. - you
  should understand, that by virtue of the certain laws we should
  detain you pending finding-out of all circumstances in connection
  with your arrest for performance against the Japanese authorities. I
  hope, you understand, that it is dangerous, especially in a
  wartime. 
 
- I have not caused any harm to you, - I have answered. - I have told
  openly publicly only the truth. You in fact repeatedly spoke in the
  instructive speeches about the truth. 
 
- whether will be kind to tell to me everything, what has forced you
  to follow such dangerous way? 
 
- I shall make it with pleasure, - I have answered and have told to it
  all the most important, known to the reader. 
 
- I Thank you, - the Japanese, closely having listened to me has told
  to me. 
 
- I hope - one of these days receive freedom. Now I go in Hajlar and
  everything, that you to me have told I shall transfer the higher
  authorities. I hope, my efforts will crown success. Do not
  worry. For now eat and drink, - it has added with a kind smile, and
  that to you will be difficult to go to Harbin. A way far ?
  Good-bye. 
 
The pleasure inexpressible, vaguely - soznavaemaja, has captured me
and I, having felt in itself new forces, has got into the cold fetid
casemate. 
 
Through minute-two me have brought hot tea and fresh Chinese
pampushki. 
 
It is difficult to describe that pleasure which I have tested when
saws tea without sugar and eats seemen better any cakes Chinese
pampushki. Here there was all - and bright hope, that again shall see
the sun, all boundless world and reconciliation with people, with the
jailers, and determination with the greater force to protect the
truth, and pride from consciousness, as my enemies, at last, have
understood this truth. The anger has given a up the place to rest. I
even have felt gratitude to these people which tested and have even
more strengthened my fidelity to Fatherland and belief of my fathers. 
 
I hear in the evening, that someone is close from my chamber has
thrown on a floor fire wood. Began to listen. Somewhere has rung out
close zaslonka, oven doors open. In an oven put fire wood, and soon
they have cracked and even the smell of a resinous tree any miracle
has penetrated into my casemate. Music, no, the marvellous symphony
seem to me then all these sounds, such familiar, but at the same time
far, as from other, fantastic world, the world " not for me ". 
 
After a while, when in my chamber it was already dark, have brought
felt. It became absolutely easy and good to me. 
 
In the morning I have woken up with joyful feeling: today me will
release. Began to listen to each rustle. Here someone goes. All is
closer ? is not present, passes past. The creaking door of a lavatory
opens. Passes hour, another. Here I hear - somewhere, obviously, in
office, hours beat twelve ? Now for me will arrive. Is not present -
hours beat - the hour, two, three ? nobody goes ? 
 
There has come evening, night which I have lead almost without
dream. Has passed even day, another, the third. Week has passed, and
still nobody came to me. Every day to me brought a piece of black hard
bread and the big Chinese cup with water, and all this silently:
nobody answered my questions. 
 
Vague fear, famine, a cold, full isolation for a life, from people
uncertainty of my position - all this devastated my soul. In what put?
They in fact know all! For what then torment me? 
 
At last, for the ninth day one of Japanese in the evening approaches
to me and speaks: 
 
- you tomorrow morning ? Hajlara the machine go ? 
 
I am facilitated have sighed and with pleasure have drunk the big cup
of hot tea which to me have brought, have lain on a cold floor, having
enclosed under a head kuchku straw and a cap. Almost all the night
long has dreamt, as with the greater energy I shall work for the
blessing of the Native land in view of goods, both truths, and belief
in The one who sends us these sufferings as test of our fidelity and
force for ways to True. 
 
Next day in the morning I have asked to leave from my single. 
 
A bright sunny day. A frost. The snow shines multi-coloured fires and,
apparently, air is filled with sounds of the symphony of a life. And
the sky - deep, boundless, calls, draws, and it would be desirable to
come off the ground and to depart there - far, far in vys. 
 
Have arrived in Hajlar. Department of police. The big room. Japanese
sit at several tables. Something write and, apparently, do not notice
me. One of accompanying from prison of gendarmes has invited me to sit
down. I sit on a leather sofa hour, another and I enjoy freedom. It is
proud of consciousness, that I too sit, instead of I roll, as an
animal, on zagazhennom a cold floor. I sit even an hour. I was ready
to sit, appear, the whole eternity if only only to feel myself
free. Here only the person and hands not as at all - are dirty, and
all I, as a brand. 
 
At last, me have invited in other, small room. The good-natured
Japanese sat at a table with the open person. Has politely asked me to
sit down and, having interrogated, has easy told, that will release me
under condition of if I realize the mistake and fault before the
Japanese authorities. 
 
I have answered, that guilty myself I do not think. 
 
- it is Good, agree to differ. But for the sake of simple formality
  you should tell, that repent of the mistake, I shall bring it in the
  report, and you immediately receive freedom. 
 
The intolerable melancholy compressed my heart. I have felt, that I am
left gradually with hope to see a life, to get again lost
freedom. Alien ways for me want to force to change to itself and by
this change to receive freedom. What for she? Whether such freedom is
necessary? Can be free what conscience is pure and free. Suppressing
in myself fear for the future and pity to myself, I have silently
told: 
 
- Mister the inspector, I am very grateful to you for your
  participation and the kind attitude to me, but I ask you understand
  my position, understand me - I cannot refuse the belief. You know
  all and as the cultural person as the Samurai, will understand and
  will help me. 
 
- I understand you, - it has told softly. - also I shall make
  everything that you to release. Only one word - you were mistaken. 
 
- Is not present. 
 
- Only one word, - it insisted, - well ? 
 
- Is not present. I was not mistaken. 
 
- you were mistaken! - it has told firmly and something has written to
  the book laying before it. Then it has called. Any Japanese has
  come, and the inspector has told to it something on - japonski,
  then, having addressed to me has asked: 
 
- Is at you in Hajlare familiar where you could spend the night? 
 
- Yes, is. 
 
- who? 
 
- the Local priest, father Vladimir CH-ev and regent Muraseev. 
 
- it is fine. You are free, but I ask you in your personal interests -
  to anybody, never and anywhere speak nothing about goddess Amaterasu
  Oomikami. In general, forget this question. Whatever did authorities
  concerning this question - you are silent. Personally you nobody
  will force to bow to goddess Amaterasu, and as to others is not your
  business. See, how all is perfectly for you is arranged. Tomorrow at
  three o'clock come here again. Good-bye. 
 
What have I felt, when have left from a court yard of Department?
Pleasure? But the pleasure saddened with any reticence,
uncompleteness. Me have released somehow conditionally and even as if
besides my will and, probably, have entered in the minutes, that I
have realized the fault that does not correspond to the validity, and
it has saddened my conscience. On the other hand - freedom, blessed
freedom. But whether for a long time she? At heart something is
disturbing spoke: no, not for a long time ? 
 
On a way to church has gone to a hairdressing saloon to shave. It was
washed up in a bath. 
 
To church has come in the evening. Father Vladimir with the mother
have met me hospitably. They have told to me, that from police came to
tell, that if I shall come to them, they immediately should call in
department of police. At these words the anxiety with new force has
compressed my heart. I have called by in police to phone from the next
box. 
 
At supper I have told to hospitable owners everything, that was with
me, and has confirmed the determination to continue struggle up to the
end. 
 
In the morning I have visited the chief of a regional bureau on
affairs of the Russian emigrants of general-lieutenant Baksheeva, have
told to it all happened with me and have explained the reasons of my
performance. The general has asked me to present it the detailed
report, that by me and has been made next day. 
 
At three o'clock I was in department of police. Here to me have
declared, that me will release under condition of if I shall present
written guarantees from the person known to police, that I not pokinu
Hajlar. On a question who from hajlartsev can give these guarantees, I
have named father Vladimir CH-va. 
 
Father Vladimir was not houses when I have come to it. The mother has
met me still kindly. I have told to it under what conditions me can
release. She was confused and after a while has told: 
 
Is a business about. Vladimir. As it wants. But I personally cannot
advise to be charged with it for you - did not put the priest to
entangle myself in political affairs. 
 
Is not a policy, - I have answered, - I protected our belief. 
 
- Is not present, no, - the father will disagree, - the mother firmly
  has answered. 
 
There has come the priest. Having learned, that in department of
police I have named his name, to give guarantees have resolutely
refused. It is difficult to forget to me this heavy moment in my life:
the priest, priest Hristovoj, has refused to help me which has dared
to support our general belief. 
 
Last my words when I left an apartment of the priest, were: 
 
- Know, the father, you meaningly send me in that cold, stinking hole
  about which I spoke you yesterday at supper. Farewell ? it is
  probable, I any more vernus ? 
 
- Excuse, I can not help you - self comes first, - has answered
  about. Vladimir coldly. 
 
As drunk there was I on streets Hajlara. Where? The idea has suddenly
flashed - " General Baksheev ? it will be charged for me ? " 
 
Has gone to a bureau. General Baksheev has listened to me and, not
long thinking, has ordered to the clerk of a bureau to write the
guarantee. I have signed it, and, having thanked it, have gone to
department where me have obliged to be every day. 
 
Spent the night at regent Muraseeva. In the evening he had a practise:
prepared for easter divine services. Listening to marvellous church
chanting, I mentally asked to myself a question: whether I shall be
ever as before, to operate church a mansion. Any complex feeling - not
that expectation something terrible, inevitable, not the special
internal pleasure spoke that to me about the light future which
expects me. 
 
Next day I have visited the chief of a bureau and have presented it
the corresponding report in which has completely frankly stated the
reasons of my performance against the Japanese authorities. Baksheev
has told to me, that will show my report to the chief of military
mission. I did not object. It and has made. And next day about five
one o'clock in the evening I have been again arrested. 
 
Began the second period of my indescribable sufferings. Not speaking
about sharp change of the attitude for me administrations of this
special department of department of police and his all inhabitants,
have deprived with me only. From the chamber have born felt. In the
evening already nobody approached to mine okoshechku with a question:
" Luska, I tea-want, I do not want? " Did not give also some
bread. Night has lead almost without dream. At the chamber all time
stood hour. 
 
The lock and someone's rough voice in the morning has rung out has
cried: " Leave! " In office where I was entered by the armed
gendarmes, the chief through the translator-Chinese has roughly
declared: 
 
- we are compelled to chain you in shackles and to send in unbearable
  prison to Tsitsihar. 
 
I was silent. Yes that I could tell, when I have clearly realized,
that me the terrible death by hand expects the executioner. 
 
- Why you have broken an order of the inspector to not concern any
  more a question about Amaterasu Oomikami? - continued the
  interrogation the chief. 
 
- I have confirmed only that truth about which I spoke all of you, and
  have not changed to it. 
 
- Now nobody can help you, - the chief continued. 
 
- Refuses to help you and the Woman-dignity. Go and wait for your
  further speed up, which cannot be named pleasant. We wanted you to
  help, but you appeared more persistent, than we assumed. Go. 
 
Me have deduced from a cabinet of the chief and I have spread in the
terrible cold kennel. 
 
When the lattice was closed and the lock has clicked, I have felt any
terrible excitation not tested by me earlier similar to when someone
strongly tickles you, and at the same time something oppressed me, and
the cold ran on all body. Has involuntarily lifted to the person
shivering hands - while they are free, but will soon chain them in
iron and will deprive with me last opportunity, last drop of own will
- to move them as I want. 
 
All next day approached nobody to my okoshechku-eye. For the third day
too, and I have understood, that me obrekli on starvation. It would
not be desirable to think of bread at all: terrible thirst tormented. 
 
But here early in the morning for the fourth day I hear weak knock
about a jamb of mine okontsa. Pripodnimaju a head. Someone's gentle
female hand cautiously puts on a window sill a cup with rice, a corn
flat cake and a cup with hot is expected. " Luska, the large sum ? " -
was distributed someone's pleasant, melodious golosok. I wanted was to
become independent and thank neznakomku, but fast excluded steps have
prompted me, that she has disappeared. 
 
The same has repeated and next day, and the whole week approached to
mine okoshechku mysterious neznakomka and left something eatable -
cooked rice, a corn flat cake or pampushku, and the main thing - hot
tea. Then she has disappeared. Obviously, to it have forbidden these
visitings. 
 
Began the third period of my sufferings. Uncertain fear, especially at
night when disgusting rats disturbed me the visiting, full isolation
from all and everything, consciousness of inevitability of the painful
end, famine and thirst, a cold and a stench, fleas, insults, spittles
half-civilized Chinese and Mongolian the soldier, constant threats -
all this did my life intolerable, and I would like one - to die. The
death has become for me desired, and I felt, that I am at edge of a
bottomless precipice. One step - also I shall depart to this terrible
chasm. 
 
There were moments when I felt full indifference to all. Mine, appear,
the becoming transfixed brain refused to react to surrounding
conditions and the heart which has been stained with blood, trembled
before something inevitable. 
 
In one of such muchitelnejshih evenings I have seen, that the corner
of a glass my external okoshechka has thawn, was released oto ice and
through this, appear, come to life corner I have seen small klochochek
the evening sky and a tiny asterisk. The desire of freedom with new
force has captured me and has incurred my consciousness in
boundlessness. 
 
Gradually the fear began to leave me. I have forgotten all - a
terrible lattice, zagazhennyj a floor, a cold, famine, and even
painful thirst has become tolerant. All I, all my internal "y",
appear, has merged with eternal, world, uniquitous "?", and it seemed
to me, that for me all free boundless world and anything has opened,
no lattices can separate me from this free, eternal "?" which presence
I felt in myself. I would like to merge with this universal "?", and
involuntarily a mind I have looked on usejannoe stars the sky which
physically was for me inaccessible, but spiritually it was closer,
than on freedom. 
 
" Glory Svjatej, and edinosushchnej, and life-giving, and nerazdelnej
to the Trinity, always, nowadays and prisno and for ever and ever " -
started singing somewhere in hiding places of my heart, and I have
mentally presented myself in a majestic temple. As regent of church
chorus, I well know church service and consequently have mentally lead
all night service in which took part, more truly, replaced with myself
and the priest, and diakona, both regent, and singers, and even ?
praying. Solemn-victorious, similarly to peals of a thunder, and
silent as an evening dawn, tunes sounded in me, filling soul and heart
pleasure unearthly and delight which are seldom experienced in
ordinary conditions. I was at that time the happiest person and so
within days and weeks was in authority of inexpressible dreams. There
were minutes - ordinarily in the evenings, during time of "night
service" when with feeling of delight overflowing me I cried pure,
joyful tears. 
 
This delight was the brightest when I "heard" in myself music of
marvellous church chanting unknown and completely unfamiliar, even a
unearthly composition: if any miracle I would manage to shift this
music on notes, that, probably, not one regent would take advantage of
them. 
 
These joyful experiences alternated terrible minutes of indescribable
sufferings, melancholy and grief. 
 
I remember, on the second month of my conclusion when on freedom the
spring was felt and I okontse has not been tightened by ice, I, having
seized by an iron lattice and having enclosed under legs pieces of
bricks, has looked afar. I see - lifeless, here and there the steppe
covered with a snow. Are seen jurty. On a horse the Mongol
skips. Closely, closely ? the Lucky person! Why I not this Mongol! Has
passed by my window and has disappeared. Where it, the free,
independent son of boundless steppe goes? Certainly, home, to the, and
I mentally began to draw a picture as it approaches on the jurte. 
 
And humiliating minutes when I weakened by famine and thirst, knocked
on a wooden lattice in hope were especially painful, that somebody
will recollect my existence and will respond to my call. My knock
answered knock and when I persistently continued to send the signals,
knocked on a lattice the handle of a revolver, or simply whipped on a
lattice a lash and a switch. 
 
Sometimes resulted the Chinese and Mongolian children. Those, uvidja
me, with shout and squeal escaped. Some, most courageous of them,
awarded me with spittles, threw in me stones and everyones
nechistoty. 
 
Evening when on the occasion of the Mongolian holiday drunk Mongolian
soldiers broke to me was especially terrible, legs beat a wooden
lattice, whipped her pletmi and a birch. I, having nestled in a corner
between a low aperture and an adjacent wall, shivered all body,
expecting, that just about the lattice will not sustain also drunk
Mongols, having rushed into my casemate, will make self-court. All
best, that I had in myself - consciousness of the truth, amnesty, even
pity to these people have merged in me in one feeling - love to
Supreme Which will protect me. This love-pray has transferred my
consciousness to familiar dreamland, and with new force I have again
felt pleasure, and was ready even to die easy, but someone has
dispersed my torturers, and their drunk voices in steppe far from my
chamber long were still heard. Soon and these voices have gradually
merged with silence. 
 
Unforgettable for me there were also those hours when I imagined
myself on a stage as regent of church chorus. I again experienced
spiritual concerts given by me in Hong Kong and in other cities. 
 
Has passed more month, and me have caused, at last, on interrogation. 
 
- Well-with ? have thought again? Or still insist on the Russian
  truth? - the unfamiliar inspector in the cleanest Russian has asked
  me and is significant, from below upwards, has looked at me. 
 
The feeling of intolerable melancholy with new force was compressed
with my heart, and a sharp, painful pain a fiery whirlwind was gave in
all a body. 
 
- " To drink ? allow me to drink ? Please ? " - I have hardly said,
  mentally drawing a bowl filled with pure transparent water. 
 
- To drink. You want to drink, - my torturer has smiled. - to you will
  give hot tea ? and tangerines. You want? But before tell - who from
  directors and teachers of the schools subordinated to you divided
  your sights? Tell are will facilitate yours uchast. I shall tell
  more: you receive freedom. 
 
- I have already told, - I have hardly said ja.-one have lifted and
  asserted this question and one I should bear the responsibility for
  refusal to esteem your goddess. 
 
- it is Good. Do not speak more, rather, - it is fast, rising from a
  place, the inspector has shouted and with force has struck a fist on
  a table. The feeling of full indifference has filled me and, trying
  to be quiet, I am hardly audible have said: 
 
- I cannot lie ? I have told the truth: reverence of your goddess and
  worship it contradict my belief. You want, that I lied, pretended ? 
 
- And if you will force to tell that you are obliged to tell! 
 
- you want me pytat? - I have smiled, and in all a body have felt the
  cold, painful weakness adjoining with onemeniem of hands and legs. -
  I am ready to everything, - I continued, shivering all body. - But
  know, if I as the weak person, I shall shout from a pain, to beg
  and, probably, even to deny the truth, you to me do not trust, I
  shall lie to you. 
 
- That you forces so persistently to assert your belief, - the
  inspector, still looking steady on me has asked me. - Only you one
  protest against reverence of our goddess Amaterasu. Anywhere, even
  in Harbin where there live thousand Russian and your bishops, this
  question does not cause any objections. 
 
- If now this question does not cause in Harbin any objections,
  perhaps, for rather serious reasons time when and in Harbin Russian
  will protest ? Will soon come 
 
- it is Good, break off! - the inspector has sharply stopped me. - I
  and thought: you wanted to be the instigator. All is over also all
  now clearly. You will answer on all severity of the law as the
  rebel, as the state criminal. The truth colonel Taki has told to me,
  that you are accused of the insult of majesty as you have broken the
  law concerning the sacred person of emperor Manchzhudigo, and manual
  loyal as a basis ? 
 
- I - the Russian emigrant and do not think loyal his majesty of, -
  trying to be quiet, I have silently answered. 
 
- So it is impossible to speak! - the inspector has shouted. - I do
  not resolve! 
 
-? all has told, and to me all the same ? I am tired ? my request, I
 ask you - shoot me as soon as possible. 
 
- you want to die? - the inspector has silently asked me. 
 
- Yes, I am not afraid of death ? Believe me ? 
 
- it is a pity to me you, - the Japanese has interrupted me. - Listen
  ? give me your hand ? Here so ? I feel, that you ? that you are not
  capable of abjectness ? yes, I see it and at the same time I want to
  trust ? that you will understand also my truth. Believe me, the
  inspector, I execute the duty to the native land and emperor. - I
  know it and I appreciate you, I respect, but to the truth I shall
  not change ? 
 
- Please ? it is hard for me ? give me a little bit some water ? to
  drink ? 
 
- it is Good, - the inspector has smiled and something has told on -
  japonski the police Chinese were present here. That has left and a
  minute later has brought the big cup with hot is expected and I skin
  a corn flat cake. With what pleasure I have drunk this tea and have
  eaten a simple Chinese flat cake which has seemed to me is more
  sweet and more tasty than any cake. " There are on light lucky
  persons who can have some water, drink tea and there are corn flat
  cakes, and I once was one of these lucky persons ", - I thought
  then. - " About why why I did not appreciate it ? " 
 
Yes, it were happy, unforgettable minutes ? behind a lattice. I
trusted deeply, that there will come long-awaited time and validity
will triumph over my party. The Japanese meanwhile continued: 
 
- you should understand me, at last: the goddess - Amaterasu Oomikami
  - heart of our people, a basis of our political system, a way to
  greatness of our country. To pull out this heart it is
  impossible. It is equivalent to destruction of all our national
  life. Amaterasu Oomikami - light which is lighting up feats of our
  heroes. As the sun, she gives us a life for even big feats in the
  name of greatness of our native land. That is why we name its solar
  goddess. It is time to you to understand: goddess Amaterasu has
  specified to us a way to conduct all east peoples to the that light
  future when between them there will be no enmity. Emperor great
  Nippon will manage to pacify peoples supervised by him by a
  principle " Hakko ichi-u " (all under one roof), and all world will
  bless divine Tennoo and to aspire under his high hand. You -
  Russian, and all of you Russian as the fifth nationality of empire
  Manchzhudigo, should be proud, that siloju have acquired the right
  enter historical circumstances in family of these peoples under one
  roof with your leader, the great, invincible nation jamato. 
 
- I heard all this, - I have said, and the familiar feeling of
  intolerable melancholy with new force has compressed my heart. - I
  do not want to listen more, - I continued. - your ideas are familiar
  to me: you want a victory tsenoju destruction first of all my Native
  land ? you constantly inspired us, that Russia is not present. That
  Germans - up to Urals Mountains, and Nippon then - too up to Urals
  Mountains, and - are not present Russia. 
 
- Yes, Russia is not present, - the Japanese has cut off. - Russia, is
  the USSR, and the USSR - the enemy of progress, the enemy of culture
  and all peoples. 
 
- And it it is necessary to destroy? 
 
- Sss ? yes, - the inspector has said, putting all hatred, in this
  whistling "yes". 
 
- I know it, - I continued. - your dream - to destroy my Native land
  and ? 
 
- you the communist? - the inspector has silently asked me. 
 
- Is not present, I am an emigrant. More than twenty five years I have
  no data from the USSR. In the first years of revolution I counted
  myself the opponent of the bolsheviks, much denied ? but that
  actually occurs now there, I do not know. 
 
- And why do not know? 
 
- Because for the slightest attempt to learn the truth about the USSR
  we are threatened here with tortures and death. 
 
- do not speak so ? It is impossible. I forbid! - the Japanese, and
  the eyes full of hatred has shouted, has specified me the armed
  policeman. Those have picked up me under hands and have led again
  there where some weeks I sat at a thick wooden lattice, in a torture
  chamber, in conditions of indescribable sufferings. 
 
A gloom, a stench and a penetrating cold. Thirst still torments. Of
bread it was not thought absolutely. 
 
On a goal, a cold floor, having nestled in a corner at a hole with a
thick wooden lattice I sat and imagined myself on freedom. High,
abrupt coast of the river, zarosshy blossoming bushes of a lilac. The
silvery streamlet murmurs at most my legs. Below - the wide river. Its
unruffled surface sijaet on the sun, reflecting the blue sky, clouds ?
Goes, the steamship knocks wheels. Behind it a chain are pulled loaded
by water-melons and melons of the barge. Apples, pears both ? a lilac
and ? water. Further a mind I see opposite coast. The small boat there
is seen. Above in bushes the fire flares. Cooks an ear. Fishermen
around sit. I open eyes and ? near to myself I see the cheerful
affable smiling person. Blue eyes, wide a shovel a fair-haired
beard. Where I? On the Native land, the native person smiles to me. I
give hands and ? convulsively I catch at a cold, sticky wooden
lattice. What inexpressiblly terrible contrast. The consciousness is
stirred up. Painful thirst and famine. Penetrating through any
znobjashchy a cold. Involuntary start, fine shiver and painful
trembling in all a body. Zvon, singing and noise in ears and ?
terrible stupid inexplicable "pleasure", that today - execution, all
stradanjam the end. Only here is how last time to not overlook to look
on usejannoe stars the sky, on fine constellation Orion and before
death mentally to tell secret treasured dream of my heart. 
 
After the described interrogation the prison mode was even more
strict. Me, appear, have completely forgotten. My single people every
morning passed by and nobody stopped about mine okontsa. Nobody was
interested in my destiny. When I was tormented especially with thirst,
I started to knock. 
 
- It is impossible! - ordinarily shouted hour. - Knock I can not! 
 
- Bring, please, a few waters, - I asked, I shall be very grateful. 
 
- It is impossible, - the policeman roughly shouted and sometimes beat
  on hands or edified on me the mauser. Somehow time I hear at night -
  someone has silently approached to my single. Cautious knock in an
  eye and someone's silent voice: 
 
- Luska, yours of a rash?-y began to listen. - Luska, - I hear the
  same voice: - Luska, yours the rash is not present. 
 
I have raised a head and have silently answered: 
 
- Is not present, I do not sleep, and what? 
 
I see to a lattice the Mongolian person has dropped. Any unfamiliar
Buryat or the Mongol silently whispers: 
 
- Luska, mine today Hajlara go. There it is familiar people speak -
  tomorrow your night kantrami is ? And? Understand? Mine sosedy a
  large sum-large sum bring ? - and the Mongol, having got up, has put
  on a window sill of an eye something wrapped up in a dirty cloth. "
  You kantrami is ? " - a fiery string has flown in my, appear,
  inflamed brain - tomorrow at night ? 
 
What have I felt at this terrible message of the unfamiliar Mongol,
dared to treat me before execution, obviously, a piece of fat mutton?
What have I gone through? What words it is possible to transfer that
indescribable feeling of melancholy from which thirst and painful has
even more painfully become, znobjashchy the cold and a shiver were
captured with my members. 
 
Tomorrow at night I will kill ? I have closed the person hands. What
horror! 
 
Any unknown terrible people and me, defenceless will come at night,
will lead on execution, and then my stained with blood body with the
broken head will throw on eating up to wolves. I felt, that my heart
gradually becomes transfixed, grow cold and, appear, hands and legs
grow dumb, and in a flash I have imagined all life - bright, real in
view of a sunny day. 
 
After a while the policeman-Mongol has approached to mine
okoshechku. I have raised a head. It has put on a window sill a cup
with hot we expect and somehow has mysteriously looked at me. 
 
As I would like to drink, but during that moment I did not have not
enough forces to rise and take this cup with is expected. 
 
After midday of the next day some more person approached to mine
okoshechku. All of them, obviously, tried to see my person, but I,
having nestled in a corner, sat on a cold floor, and having put a head
on knees, did not want to show them the person. Children approached
also. They something shouted, with squeal ran off away and again
gathered, increasing my sufferings. 
 
I all the day have lead in a condition of a light slumber and only in
the evening when in darkness it was not visible an awful lattice,
cracks in a wall, dirty, zagazhennyh walls, have a little come to the
senses, but have felt neverojatnejshuju thirst. Having collected last
forces, has risen on shivering and, appear, the grown dumb legs and
the weakened hands has taken from a window sill of an eye a cup with
cold Chinese we expect. Small drinks this tea has drunk and has asked
for passing by soldier. Has brought. Has drunk also the second
cup. Has eaten a corn flat cake and, having nestled in a corner, has
raised above a head a collar of the coat, it was closed by him and it
was gave the dreams. 
 
A mind I see in the night sky wonderful Orion, fine stars Sirius,
Polluks, Kastor, the Chapel and thousand other shining worlds with
their satellites and the moon. Among them - our Sun, his satellites
and our tiny Earth. The feeling of boundlessness in view of Reason
with new, untried earlier force has captured my consciousness and I
have almost really felt a part of this alive the Whole, spiritualized
by uniform Reason, a single will. The soul loving, all-seeing, and
this Soul has felt in itself ? " Glory svjatej, and edinosushchnej,
and life-giving, and nerazdelnej to the Trinity ? " - inexpressible
music started singing in me. I have answered, or someone is more true
in me has answered: " amin ", and it amin has lit up my consciousness
bright light of True. Has mentally served all night service. What
words it is possible to transfer this marvellous colourful imagined
service of a night service in the imagined temple which has been lit
up in thousand of icon lamps and svechej. It seemed, that I not only
saw this marvellous temple of unearthly beauty, but also heard
marvellous music of church chanting, and felt a smell of an
incense. Neither famine, nor a cold, and absolutely any fear I did not
feel thirst that memorable evening. On the contrary, all my essence
has been overflown with pleasure, and to me was so warmly, that on a
forehead sweat has acted. I all have left then in the
dreamland. Anything any more did not connect me with a real
terrestrial life which seem to me completely not real. To tell the
truth, I understood, that terrible people which at the same time seem
completely not terrible will soon rush into to me, will connect back
my hands, will lead in open steppe and will shoot. But it in fact -
dream. In a terrestrial life dreams are even more terrible ? to tell
the truth, then there was still something, that connected me with the
ground, is a desire that my death has woken someone's fallen asleep
heart and has warmed his love to Supreme. 
 
Late night. Darkly. Silently. I still do not sleep. Suddenly somewhere
away, in open steppe, hardly perceptible sounds of the machine were
distributed. They are closely and more clearly heard. Even closer -
from Hajlara there is a lorry. I strain hearing. Yes, the motor
absolutely close rolls. Here it, as seems to me, drives to a court
yard. Even closer, stops at an entrance of establishment where I sit
in the single. The motor last time has roared and has
decayed. Silently. I hear, someone's steps, voices are
distributed. Has squeaked a door. Steps in a corridor. Closer. Someone
- two or more unknown people have stopped at my chamber. 
 
" For me ? Yes, it for me!.. " - heart has stood. Familiar tickling
sensation in the field of a breast and a stomach. In a mouth and on
lips has felt unusual dryness and an easy nausea. 
 
- Luska, leave! - someone's voice was distributed. I all over again
  have more densely nestled was in a corner, but then began to fumble
  in darkness around of myself: " Where a cap? And however - what for
  she? " 
 
- Leave! - the same voice has told even more strictly, and someone
  began to open the deputy 
 
- I am Good ? is ready, - I have answered. But hardly someone heard my
  voice. Now it seems to me, that has made then these words mentally. 
 
- Leave more likely! - has repeated a unfamiliar voice and the wooden
  lattice has simultaneously swung open wide open. 
 
From last forces, I have somehow risen on the weakened legs. All body
shuddered also heart zanylo in the grown cold breast. " As though to
not forget ? the Sky ? Orion ? To tell to itself treasured dream ? " -
flashed in consciousness. 
 
- Hey ? more likely ? be carried it is not necessary, - someone has
  loudly shouted, and I all over again have kneelt, and then on
  chetverenkah began to leave the chamber. Has recollected, that a cap
  has not found. " The poor cap - has remained one in the dark chamber
  ? Interestingly, in what workshop she is tailored? " - there has for
  some reason come then to a head this ridiculous idea. " In what
  workshop my cap is tailored?.. " As if this question had then any
  value. And other idea even as if and not terrible, and, on the
  contrary, nemnozhechko ridiculous: " All head in a minute will
  scatter into smithereens, and the brain together with blood will
  splash a snow ". And I have presented the stained with blood body in
  a ridiculous pose on a cold snow. As all this is strange and is
  unnecessary! 
 
At last, has crept out of the chamber. In the cold, poorly covered
corridor some the gendarmes armed with mausers. Why they are silent
and do not deduce me? I turn a head on the left - at the doors opened
wide open the open steppe is seen and has suddenly felt, that I not ?
Look one on poorly covered by beams, probably, the incomplete moon
steppe and I feel, that with me a number costs still someone close,
native and loved. 
 
- Why we cost? Conduct! - I have almost cheerfully addressed to
  gendarmes. 
 
Those somehow have strange exchanged glances also one of them has
roughly cried, swinging the mauser: 
 
- Go ? Climb back ? - Another has pushed me in a back, and I have
  again spread in the cold, gloomy casemate. Horror. Once again
  deduced me as if on execution at late night. At last, have let alone
  and only in ten days have deduced on last interrogation which last
  all the day, evening, morning of the next day and the next day. 
 
Last words of the inspector were: " Think again. Here to you the leaf
of a paper also write everything, that would like to tell last time
". 
 
I have answered: 
 
- I shall tell to you only one: it is tired, fatally tired and more
  likely solve my uchast, and I shall write a little: - the Native
  land, native Russian people, belief in the Uniform God which I shall
  not change. 
 
Me have again locked in a stuffy, stinking casemate. I really almost
died physically - choked, grew cold and heart became transfixed, the
head was turned and shaked, hands and legs grew cold, eyes, a breast
were ill, but it is more and more and more I came to life
spiritually. There were moments when I badly distinguished borders
between dreams and real conditions. Dreams seem to me a reality, and a
reality - heavy dreadful dream. I waited for death as the joyful light
end, but the death did not come. 
 
Has passed two more weeks. Time I have lead all this in a condition of
the indescribable pleasures adjoining to ecstasy, and the heavy,
terrible experiences adjoining to despair, or with full indifference
to all. That I felt like at edge of a bottomless, dark precipice rose
on inaccessible height of unearthly Beauty, Light and Freedom. At
night I felt like in dreams in this world of Beauty really, but the
description of these dreams and other mental phenomena would need the
whole book. 
 
Sunday, on April, 4, 1943. Never I shall forget this terrible
day. Nobody came to me, nobody disturbed, anybody has not offended me
anything ? Opposite, me as if have forgotten absolutely. But that I
have gone through this day, for all life remain in my memory. The
horror, melancholy, inexpressible grief, consciousness of
inevitability of painful death, vain, premature, unnecessary,
tormented me. It would be desirable to beat by a head about a wall, to
cry, shout, protest, beg ? It seemed, all forces of a hell have
decided to extinguish in me everything, that I counted the best in
myself: the consciousness of the debt to the Native land, belief,
ideas of goods, the truth, love to the God, to people, to all
boundless world, - all this was represented to me in other, ugly,
false light, and I would like to break off myself in pieces. I
strained all forces of soul, heart to release myself from this new,
untried before feeling of intolerable melancholy and burning, but all
is vain. Wanted to pray - could not. Then effort of will has forced
itself to recollect those strange minutes when also the death seem not
terrible, and gradually any silent, light vsepronikajushchee the
feeling began to warm, appear, the grown cold heart and to light up my
brain light of pleasure unearthly. 
 
Has served an imagined night service in the evening. Saw wonderful
dream which I told to nobody at night. 
 
Has woken up in the morning on April, 5 with feeling of deep hope,
that any unearthly Light will light up consciousness of my
executioners, and they will release me from this terrible casemate. 
 
Hours eight or nine mornings. Someone has approached to mine
okoshechku. Pripodnimaju a head also I see - at an eye the cheerful
smiling person of the chief of a special department. Having made
uncertain gesture by a hand, it has told: " Tin-tjan vanla ? " - and
then, having given up as hopeless aside Harbin, has added: " Home!.. " 
 
The whole wave of pleasure has gushed and has begun to whirl
me. Having pressed shivering hands to a breast, I could whisper only:
" Really ? really it is the truth? I thank ? I thank you!.. " And all
my essence, appear, rose in vys. Nothing seemed more terrible. Even
zagazhennye walls, a floor, a crack with a lattice in a wall instead
of a window, and a small aperture with a lattice instead of a door,
and even black as coal, hands moved my heart. 
 
Soon after this joyful to conduct to my okoshechku-eye soldiers,
police, gendarmes both any unfamiliar Mongols and Chinese began to
approach. All of them tried to express me the participation. Treated
me it is expected, pampushkami, the Chinese sweets. I have drunk so a
lot of hot to tea, that a shirt my, dirty as the sexual cloth, has
become completely wet. At last, low "door" of my single has opened and
I have crept out therefrom never to not come back any more. Last time
has looked through okoshechko in just left dwelling. I have much
tested here burning, sufferings, pleasures and grief. To much here
also has learned ? 
 
In office me have set on a sofa. I sit and do not believe the
eyes. Really all this the truth? The feeling of the deepest gratitude
has filled in all my soul: freedom, blessed freedom expects me. Here
it is fast, now at the will I shall leave for high doors not on
chetverenkah. In a room light through high, without lattices, a window
is poured in. Whether this happiness! I look at steppe. She was widely
stretched predo by me. In the distance are seen jurty. From an
aperture of one of them the smoke rises. The wind turns it, and it
seems alive. Riding Mongols like mad, swinging a lash, fly somewhere
gallop, and all this seems now close and native, instead of far,
foggy, fantastic and unreal as it was in my single. All this - and for
me ? I at the desire can leave for this steppe as well as Mongols, I
can sit down at the will on a horse and depart to that distance where
on horizon low blue hills, apparently, lit up any new are seen, not a
sunlight. I can join these Mongols, talk to them, as equal, free, as
well as they, the person. Unless not the happiness to feel like the
free member of free universal family useful, necessary ? 
 
Day windy. Coldly. The sky is cloudy. Above wide, leaving afar, steppe
road leaving afar a whirlwind clubs of a yellow dust rush. Dry leaves,
feathers, a dust and solominki, lifted by a wind, are quickly carried
by by a window. Kura with the feathers tousled by a wind headlong fly
to the cock who, rummaging in a heap of manure, has found there
something tasty and, pretending, that itself regales on the find,
calls the girl-friends. And all this for me. And unless not the
happiness that I can substitute the person and a breast towards to a
cold wind and to breathe pure, fresh air. And waters, how many I can
drink some water - though the whole bucket - whether this
happiness. The wind in a pipe howls; knocks zaslonka; the dog and its
bark amplifying becoming transfixed, rushes in steppes, and all these
sounds music sound in soul barks, wakening in it pleasure of
freedom. About, blessed freedom! That can be compared to you!.. If did
not lock my chamber, I would be the happy person. And now all world
predo me. There is no either lattices, or an awful crack in a wall
through which I saw only small scrap of the cold sky. And is farther,
ahead - the car of the railway, free people at the windows not chained
by lattices, and I free among free people; strange picturesque kinds
of mountains and steppes. Further away - Harbin, favourite work as
regent ? all this recently seemed fantastic, unreal. Perhaps, and now
I see dream, wonderful, joyful dream? How many time I saw joyful
dreams in my single, and then woke up and ? heart was compressed from
a pain at a kind of completely not joyful conditions. No, it not
dream: kusaju lips - and me it is hurt, and then with new force the
fiery feeling of gratitude together with pleasure of freedom wakes up
in me. 
 
I what is the time sat on a sofa in such condition poluekstaza, a
light slumber - the hour, two or several minutes - I do not know. The
chief enters. I have risen. It has approached to me and has stretched
both hands. " Excuse, my hands are not absolutely pure ", - I as it is
valid they and my person hair, moustaches, a beard sticked out in all
parties. Not for nothing children with shout rushed from my chamber
when through a prison lattice saw have told, and all I was not purer
than a brand. Me terrible as a porcupine. 
 
- Home ? Korosho ? - the Japanese has told to me, shrugging my
  hand. One of policemen has invited me to approach to a table and has
  asked to undersign for any book. I with pleasure have complied with
  this request. Then have returned my portfolio. What native and any
  new it has seemed to me. Have returned a tie, a thong, the passport
  and together with the chief I have left in a corridor. Last time has
  looked aside my single and suddenly to me became terrible. More
  likely, more likely from here while they have not changed mind ? 
 
The entrance has a lorry. Silently, somehow unwillingly, the motor
works. On any units by the lorry Mongols sit. To me have helped to
rise upward. Have planted on any box and shoulders have covered with
the warm, fur fur coat through impregnated then, bacon and kizjachnym
a smoke. With what pleasure I inhaled this "aroma" of free Mongolian
steppes. 
 
Zafyrkal, has hooted the motor, and we were touched from a place. If
the person ever felt like a bird this bird I have felt now myself. It
seemed to me, that my soul together with a wind flied afar, there is
far, far, where on horizon low hills, and further away - in
boundlessness are seen. Freedom! That can be compared to
freedom!.. Only free can create affairs of the truth, pleasure and
happiness! 
 
The lorry has stopped at the main entrance of department of
police. The box of the machine was left by the chief accompanying
me. It is familiar has asked me slezt. 
 
In department I sat in office of a special department. Through an hour
or one and a half was the inspector, which first time has interrogated
and has released me. It has approached to me. I have risen to it
towards. Stretching me a hand, the Japanese has told: 
 
- Well, here - it is good ? Now you are absolutely free also any
  guarantees it is not necessary. Can go to Harbin. 
 
I have thanked it, and it has invited me in other room - in a cabinet
of the chief of department of police. Last sat at a desk and has
invited me to sit down in an armchair. Through the inspector it has
declared: 
 
- you are free. The governor and the chief of military mission asked
  to transfer you, that in Harbin you receive service. 
 
At these words of the chief of department my heart was compressed by a
pain and I have told: 
 
- I am rather touched with your attention, but to serve, probably, I
  can not, as physically very badly myself I feel. I need long
  treatment. 
 
Is your business, - the chief has told. - you are free and is free, at
the will can have time. Good-bye. 
 
I have thanked and together with the inspector have left in a court
yard and, at last, a gate. 
 
I go on the main street Hajlara. Any new all seems to me. There are
Russian people, look back. The some people bypass me and, probably,
nobody learns in this thin, extremely dirty, obrosshem, as the
orangutan, the terrible person of the former inspector of schools. 
 
Here and church. I come into a room of regent. It is not present a
house. The church watchman was frightened and wanted was to expel me,
as the tramp. " It is a lot of shljaetsja here you ? " - it but when
me has learned speaks, has rushed to me, has congratulated and three
times as for Easter, has kissed me. 
 
- And we have already buried you, - it has told, wiping tears. -
  nobody expected you to see. 
 
All my things were here in a room. Has got from a chest the pure
linen, a new suit, socks, a towel, a soap and has gone all over again
to a hairdressing saloon, and then in a bath. 
 
In a hairdressing saloon the master-Chinese too was frightened and
wanted was to expel me. But I have calmed it, having told: 
 
- yours bois it is not necessary. I - erga ? in hospital was. Very
  sick ? 
 
When it was lowered in an armchair before a mirror of itself was
frightened: in a mirror I have seen thin, terrible, incredibly dirty,
obrosshee the person and only hollow, somehow unnaturally shining eyes
spoke, that in a breast of this porcupine human heart is beaten not
animal, but. 
 
With what pleasure I felt only shaved, hollow cheeks, lips. The neck,
a forehead and hands were still stinking, and dirty, as manure, but is
fast also they will be pure. What pleasure! 
 
In a bath too did not want to give me number so I was dirty. 
 
- Where to you, go in the general, - the bathhouse attendant but when
  has learned has told to me who I, have allocated for me the best
  number and has refused money. It washed not less than three
  hours. With singing scraped from a body a dirty and with singing
  stood under dushem in a pose not that ballerinas, not that
  zalihvatskogo the dancer manufacturing every possible pa to whom any
  circus actor would envy. Whence only forces have undertaken? 
 
A bath has left the new person - happy, joyful-free, and the first,
that I have decided to make, - to serve thankful moleben. 
 
After a dinner which was prepared by me, having bought on a market of
any food, has gone with visit to the second priest - to father
Rostislavu Ghana. It has hospitably met me and his first words were: 
 
- I Congratulate you on a victory. 
 
- With what victory? - I have not understood. 
 
- the Higher authorities have found possible to replace in the Russian
  text " Manuals loyal " words: " ? we should esteem reverentially
  goddess Amaterasu Oomikami " others, not contradicting to our
  belief, - and father Rostislav has told, under what circumstances I
  have received freedom. 
 
Appeared, that in Harbin about my arrest have learned ours arhipastyri
which led by metropolitan Meletiem began to petition before the higher
authorities for my clearing. General Janagita has demanded from
Hajlara my business and, having considered it, has sent in
capital. Here, obviously, have understood, in what prosak local
authorities the careless and inept approach to Russian have got
concerning their belief, and have found possible to soften the first
item of "Manual" in sense comprehensible to us. 
 
After reception general Janagita on telegraph has made of capital of
the positive answer in Hajlar the order about my clearing. It was on
April, 4, 1943. On April, 5 in the morning I have released. 
 
On April, 4 I actually was already free person. Why this day to me was
so hardly? Obviously, moral sufferings of this day were the last for
me the test sent From above. 
 
There has come from service regent Muraseev in the evening. We have
lead the whole evening with it in conversation. At last, it has lain
in the bed, and I was arranged on a floor. Have extinguished a lamp. I
lay on pure bed, in pure, fresh linen and I look at high windows which
poorly appear in a twilight of night. Not clear I see contours of high
doors ? How many pleasures in a life. Is not present - I can not
lay. The soul is too overflown with pleasure of freedom, inexpressible
feeling of pleasure easy to lay. Muraseev already sleeps. I quietly
rise and in one linen I leave on a balcony. 
 
Cool April night. The half moon shines through easy
clouds. Silently. Somehow vaguely, not clear appear on a background of
the night sky of a poplar, a birch and their thin, not covered with
leaves, suchja. Here and there are seen in the sky of a star. Air,
apparently, has been impregnated with aroma of coming spring, and all
this my, native all this - for me, in me, as well as I in all ? 
 
Lady day Presvjatoj of the Virgin. A solemn night service. Whether
there are in language human words to describe that condition which I
have gone through this memorable evening, in the present, instead of
in an imagined temple? There are things which can be described only an
idea of heart and feeling of reason, but this language not always
happens be clear for to feel mind and to think heart not always it
happens is accessible to the person. 
 
To Harbin has arrived in Lazarevu Saturday. Has stopped at
about. Boris Soljanskogo. The same day has visited metropolitan
Meletija. It has immediately accepted me and has asked on all my
experiences in my single. Seeing off me, the lord has told: 
 
- I Thank you, that you the first have lifted the voice in protection
  of our belief, the Lord yes will bless you and will strengthen on
  the further making on field Hristovoj, for the blessing of our dear
  Fatherland. 
 
To a night service under Verbnoe revival went to a cathedral. Listened
to marvellous church chanting in execution of fine cathedral chorus
under the control of talented regent D. J.Popova, and my soul was
overflown with such happiness that seemed strange - as it is people
pleasures and happiness suffer from any casual inutile trifles when so
it is a lot of in a life of beauty. 
 
On Monday on the Holy Week me have caused in the third department of
the Bureau on affairs of the Russian emigrants in Manchzhudigo. 
 
The chief of a department M.A.Matkovsky has hospitably accepted me and
has told: 
 
- I want to rehabilitate you before the Japanese authorities that you
  could be arranged on service. 
 
I was frightened. To be arranged on service - never. I shall starve,
suffer of need, but to serve Japanese or with Japanese - there are no
forces, and I began to ask Matkovskogo, to tell to Japanese, that I at
all goden for any work. After that some times me caused in military
mission (it seems the third or sixth department) where through Russian
employee Dudukalova suggested to read by radio the report " About
atrocities of Englishmen in India and Burma " where I once was as the
scientific employee of the Society Russian orientalistov in Harbin. 
 
As I asked the Russian person. Dudukalova that it has proved to
Japanese, that I am absolutely not suitable for any reports, that
after moral and physical shocks have ceased to think sensibly,
etc. G.Dudukalov promised me to make everything, that was in his
forces. 
 
- But why you refuse to read through the report on India, in fact you
  there were, - has asked me somehow. Dudukalov. 
 
- That is why, that if I shall act publicly with this report, Japanese
  will again plant me in a hole and any more will not let out, as I
  shall speak only the truth: I personally there did not see any
  atrocities. To speak on the basis of another's sources or to speak a
  lie - I can not. 
 
At last, causes me to itself in the summer. Dudukalov also speaks,
that I should thank M.A.Matkovskogo who has written about me to
military mission such report, that Japanese will not disturb me any
more. To tell the truth, they had been made the order by virtue of
which I have been deprived opportunities to serve not only in state,
but also in private establishments to that I was rather glad. I could
work only in church as regent of church chorus, i.e. that right of
which I dreamed in the single has been given to me. 
 
On easter week metropolitan Melety has appointed me to a post of
regent Zatonskoj of St.. Nikolaev church. 
 
When I for the first time have come there has recollected dream in my
single: a small house above the river in greens of a garden, white
church in the distance. 
 
Before the arrival to Harbin Red army I operated church a mansion and
did not want (and could not) to serve in one school in which by
unfortunate, dependent teachers children " in spirit of the basis of
the state Manchzhudigo by principle Hakko ichi-u ", etc. Were brought
up 
 
With arrival of Red army I have received the invitation to hold a post
of the teacher in St.. Nikolay's liceum. This only thing in Manchuria
Russian educational institution, using special position "
establishments of Vatican for Russian ", at Japanese has kept only
Russian traditions, programs and so forth, bringing up children for
native Fatherland. Therefore I with pleasure have accepted this
invitation and I work in Liceum about the present day (prior to the
beginning of 1949). 
 
An about a year later struggle for cleanliness of our belief from
Trehrechja was threw to Harbin. Here much had to suffer, bear all
humiliations and insults to our kind metropolitan Meletiju and his to
the first vikariju to archbishop Dimitriju. These arhipastyri, risking
the life, openly opposed the Japanese authorities, convicting their
illegal requirements. 
 
By them - metropolitan Meletiem, archbishop Dimitriem and bishop
Juvenaliem - it has been dispatched special arhipastyrskoe the message
to the flock in which in the categorical form everyones were forbidden
worship breaking cleanliness of our orthodox belief. 
 
This struggle has ended with a full victory. In East Asia light of
goddess Amaterasu, and unfading in veki light Hristov and instead of a
unification of East-Asian peoples under leadership Nippon here voleju
From above which is the maximum Truth and Validity has triumphed not,
the unification of the East-Asian Russian churches is created, the
uniform East-Asian district Mitropolichy headed by Russian archbishop
Nestorom is created. 
 
As recently all this was. Then the slightest idea on the dear country,
each mentally drawn picture on it seem a far fine fairy tale. If
during that terrible time somebody to me has told, that soon I shall
see compatriots and that shall acquire the right to name its citizen,
- I would not believe as really to feel like the son of Russia to me
it seemed improbable. But, about a miracle. To me have returned
favourite, native Fatherland. 
 
With what sincere love we met Red army in Harbin! Yes, with love, as
native, favourite brothers, heroes and liberators. With what pleasure
we threw flowers under legs of fighters and officers! 
 
I remember moleben in a cathedral on August, 19, 1945. Under a strong
downpour there were people in one dresses, in celebratory suits and
did not miss: waited (many with colors) for arrival of parts of Red
army ? (someone has started up hearing, that the meeting will take
place on the cathedral area). At last, the automobile quickly
approaches to a cathedral and the officer, the present Russian officer
with gold pogonami leaves ?. It is difficult to forget this the first
"hurrah" to the address of this first Russian officer. From depth of
heart isstradavshejsja souls has escaped this joyful national
"hurrah". Many cried. Completely strangers congratulated each
other. Waited group - one has arrived to us, but this one has replaced
with itself(himself) all army. It sufficed for hands, everyone would
like to touch it. What words we could then to express the pleasure! To
us oppressed, otverzhennym, lost the Native land and torn off native
people it has arrived, our native, love ? In a cathedral at this time
was made solemn thankful moleben on the occasion of clearing us from
the Japanese yoke. Three bishops served led by archbishop Nestorom and
when being in a temple have heard this loud "hurrah" have rushed to an
output, but ? the officer, having removed a photo, has left ? Those
who saw it, counted lucky persons. 
 
And unforgettable stages on quay, on coast of the river Sungari. We
hours stood and looked at "them", native, loved ? And children - they
have forgotten a dinner, and adults too. We congratulated each other
and kissed, as for Easter. Our clergy, since bishops, served thankful
molebny under tselodnevnyj zvon church bells; many priests spoke
sermons on the Native land, on connection us to Mother-church, about
acceptance us in the fatherly embraces by the Most holy Patriarch
Alex, collected donations ? Parents spoke children about our saviors -
about Red army, our pride, about our father the Most holy Patriarch ?
Marvellous joyful days. Never to us them to forget. We again have got
the lost Native land, and it not a fairy tale, and the real
reality. Daily we see proofs, we are convinced, that it not dream. I
shall not recollect that fills with an intolerable pain heart. All has
passed and bylem has become over. Did not remain in soul the slightest
rage to unfortunate now to "Samurais". 
 
Daily we see them torn off, hungry, dirty, hammered, shivering from a
cold with trays in the hands dragging logs and stones " on
strengthening of fighting power ", but ? not the state, and not time
falls to put in stretched, thin both dirty female and children's hands
gobi. Is not present the slightest hatred to them, to these
unfortunate poverzhennym to "Samurais"; so Russian heart is already
arranged - all to forgive and the amnesty to fix brotherly
all-forgiving love. 
 
All has passed and bylem has become over, and we should direct all our
minds there where there lives the invincible, great Russian force
which has returned to us a great rank - RUSSIAN.